Wait

For the past month, i've kinda been isolating myself from my friends, wanting to just be alone. Not wanting to go out or do anything. It kinda caused a fight with my boyfriend that I blogged about earlier saying that i had "changed".

Last night. I was thinking about it forever...and it's not that I just don't want to go out or do anything...I just don't want to go out or do anything with the friends I have.
They...They kinda make me feel crappy about myself. I tried to make a new friend, and she always talks about how i'm sexy and stuff, and if I didn't have a boyfriend she'd be all over me. It just makes me feel like shit. All throughout high school I was insecure about my feelings. And my whole life, family, and friends of the family would tell me "Oh you're so pretty, you should be a model". But that's all they would say to me. They wouldn't try to tell me they liked my art, or thought I was creative. I'm just known as "The pretty cousin" Or "The pretty grandchild".
It's not like I don't mind being pretty...I just don't want it to be all people see about me. Because i'm so much more! I really am...
But...now I feel that insecurity is coming back. The people I call friends have been hurting me...I no longer want to hang out with them as much. They are fun! Don't get me wrong...there's just a sting that tugs at my heart whenever I hear comments like the previous.

I just want new friends...But I'm afraid my new friends will just see who I am on the outside, and not on the inside..

Going Away

Why is it that I blog when i'm only feeling insanely sad, or insanely angry...?
I guess these emotions among others are the strongest.

i miss him. i miss him so much...I'm having to plan my trip to see him this summer, and it's so far away...in June. I want to see him sooner than that, i really do. :/ I only really got to talk to him once today. He was upset about stuff...I dunno. I know i'm just being a girl and thinking about things too much, but I wish I could help him...I wish I could make him happy. I just hope everything is better when I talk to him tomorrow.

I guess...I'm always just afraid that i'll never make him happy enough and then he'll end up leaving me.

I don't want that...I don't ever want that.

well shit. i'm crying now.
sorry for all the grammar and punct. mistakes.
i'm just not caring enough to keep up with all that right now.
Sorry for the mini rant...i'm done..

Children

So after having...Kind of an argument/troubles with my boyfriend last night, I went to a counselor today at the college.

I guess I've changed...And he's right. I'm not as confident. I have no motivation at all. And I feel my self esteem dropping. Which is new for me. I'm at a high low. If that makes any sense. xD

But things will get better. They always do. 

To motivate myself, I've decided to make a list of the things that are stressing me out, and ways I can fix them. So here it goes. 

Study Habits/Grades-  I will study more, and find new ways of studying. Read the handouts that I got at the counselor's office. Go to the library more. Take things more seriously. Be more optimistic.

Work- Maybe try talking to managers about how I feel. Continue looking for a new job. Look at school or mall. Somewhere closer to cut back on gas.

Friends- Talk to my friends more about how I feel. Don't hold back. Be honest with them, but in a nice way. Don't be bitchy.

Money- Stop buying magazines. Pick a day to go through room to find things to sell. Try drawing and making art to sell to people. Find more work. Get a second job in the summer.

Tummy Issues- MAKE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. Tell about not burping and previous appointments.

Tooth Aches- Make a fucking appointment Ahna.

Relationship- Don't dwell on things too much.

I might add in the future. :]

Each Day Gets Better

Another sad blog. I'm sorry people. :/
Just...work with me here.

I really hate school. A lot. But my boyfriend made me realize that it's only because of a certain event.
I failed art. With an F. I never thought that was possible, but it happened. I'm so passionate about art, I always have been. But that class made me hate it. It was a design class. In design, there are restrictions. And everything has to be perfect, precise. I don't work well with that kind of stuff. My art is messy. Always different, always flowing.
Failing that class killed me.
Ever since then, my attitude toward college has been downhill.

 I'm just so happy, that I have a wonderful boyfriend to keep me moving. Or else I would be so lost.

Monster

So. Work was shit.
I hate that place. I hate that goddamned company that I work for.

You wanna know all the shit that happened? I'll tell you.
So I get into work and pretty much as soon as I walk in the door, this chick, lets call her Hydrangea. Anyway, she calls me to go up there. First of all, I haven't even clocked in yet, let alone put all my shit in my locker, and counted up a drawer. That that fucking pissed me off, and THEN when I get up there, she fucking tells me that she's leaving early. So it's part of my responsibility to get the store fronted and looking nice when it comes time to close. Fucking Duh. I know how to fucking do my job, she didn't have to tell me that shit. Plus this is the THIRD fucking night in a row, where i'm the last one, by my FUCKING self fronting the store. She had NO right. No right to tell me what to do. Then it was nonstop busy. Hydrangea was pissing me off because whenever there was a small break, I would leave the register to go find something to do, she would call me out and say. "Well don't take too long because i'm gonna go find out if I can take my break" or shit like "Where are you going?" TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! I don't stand around like an idiot, I'm a busy fucking person. When i'm at work, I like to fucking work! Anyway. That was nonstop till she left. And then when it finally came time for me to go on my 15 minute break, It got cut short because apparently they needed help, and I go out there, and there's only four fucking people in each line. They needed help, my ass.  So I go up there and I end up being stuck at the fucking register the whole fucking night. As  we close, theres a woman in my line, and the manager goes up to my friend, we'll call her Aster. Anyway, the manager goes up to her and says "I hope Ahna doesn't take so long to front because I want to get home." It took all the nerve I had to not slap a bitch. I fucking fronted the whole store BY MYSELF. If that bitch wanted to get home, she could have got her ass out on the fucking floor and helped me!! BITCH, BITCH BITCH. God, damnit. it pisses me off.

It's like i'm some kind of android that they can just program to do shit for them. I'm a GOOD FUCKING WORKER. And you know what? I don't care if this makes me sound arrogant. But i'm the best damn worker they have. The other ones like to be "Chatty" to avoid their work. They're slow when they do their work. And they complain about their jobs and people nonstop. I don't EVER fucking complain about shit. I fucking WORK. I'm fast, efficient, and make sure i'm always moving. I'm a good fucking worker. Why the hell else would they schedule me to stay around the latest? Because when i'm around, SHIT GETS FUCKING DONE.
And you know what? Just because they know that I model. They fucking signed me up for this modeling show that the goddam company is having. AND I TOLD THEM NO. They fucking signed me up anyway. ASSHOLES. I don't want to be your fucking pet!

I'm
A
Free
Fucking
Bitch.

And you know what. I promised you a happy blog, but hey, at least it's not fucking sad.

Just Love me In Perfect Symmetry

I'm really sad for some reason...Don't you hate that? When you're sad, but you don't really know why...I guess there is some kind of logical reason somewhere...

I thought I was keeping myself from the bad thoughts, but keeping myself busy. It didn't really work much.
I miss him so much...  was just putting away clothes..and had my itunes blasting. It was wonderful. No sad songs or anything. Happy, upbeat songs. But as I was placing shirts on hangers and hangers on racks, a frown appeared on my face. I wish I could do that for him...I wish I could take care of him, and do his laundry, and put his clothes away, and he could be sitting on the bed, doing homework or whatever, and smile at me, give me the occasional kiss as I walked to and from the bed where the pile of clothed lay and the closet. I wish he were there to make cute compliments about my singing voice that I really don't think is that great. I wish we could just sit there together and fold clothes, and maybe cuddle afterwards, messing up all our work and then laughing about it. I just wish...

I want to spend the rest of my life with him...Doing silly little things like this. I want it so badly. But just like with all great things, it takes time. Time that eats at you slowly.

I'm sorry my blogs so far are sad...One of these days i'll have something happy to write about.