Fire with Fire

1-How are you?
2-Post a picture of yourself.
3-Do you ever wish you were someone else?
4-What is your entire name?
5-How old are you?
6-Age you get mistaken for:
7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
8-What did you do on your last birthday?
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
10-What is your hair color?
11-Have you ever dyed your hair?
12-What is your eye color?
13-If you could change your eye color, would you?
14-Do you wear contacts/glasses?
18-Do you have any tattoos?
19-Do you have any piercings?
20-Left or right handed?
21-What’s your sexual orientation?
22-Do you drink?
23-Do you smoke?
24-Do you have any pets?
25-Where do you work?
26-Something you are working on right now:
27-Do you have any “rules” about food?
28-Where are you from?
29-What would you say is your best quality?
30-What do you think you’re really good at?
31-What do you think you’re really bad at?
33-Are you a bad person?
34-Are you nice to everyone?
36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
37-What is your ideal bed? Why?
38-Did you wake up cranky?
39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
40-What do you think about the most?
42-What you want to be when you “get older”?
43-What are your career goals?
44-What is your ideal career?
45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
48-Say 10 facts about your room:
49-Do you have any phobias?
50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
52-Ever broken any bones?
53-Ever come close to death?
60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this?
61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
63-A quote you try to live by:
64-A famous person you’ve been compared to:
65-Weird things you do when you’re alone:
66-Something you do without realising:
68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why:
69-Leave me a compliment:Favorites70-What is your favorite thing to do?
71-What’s your favorite color?
73-What’s your favorite movie?
74-What are your favorite books?
75-What is your favorite quote and why?
76-What is your favorite word?
77-What is your least favorite word?
78-What is your favorite type of food?
79-You favorite ice cream?
80-What’s your favorite animal?
81-Dogs or cats?
82-Describe your favourite texture:
83-What is your favorite flower?
84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex?
85-What is your favorite season?
86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
87-What are four things you can’t live without and why?
88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why?
89-What’s your favorite television show?
90-Favorite place to shop at?
91-Say 2 facts about your favorite things:Friends106-Would you ever smile at a stranger?
107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
108-Who is someone you never tire of?
109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
110-Who is your most loyal friend?
111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
112-If your best friend died, what would you do?
113-Something you’ve lied about.
114-Have you ever felt replaced?
115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s):Relationships116-The last person you hugged?
117-Story of your first kiss?
118-Do you like kissing in public?
119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
120-You have a preference for boys or girls?
121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
127-What is the first thing you noticed in someone?
128-Are looks important in a relationship?
129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
133-Do you have a crush on anyone?
134-A description of the girl/boy you like:
135-Say 1 fact about the person you like:
136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
138-Do you think someone has feelings for you?
139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
142-Anyone you’re giving up on?
143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
148-Is there someone you will never forget?
153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
157-Are you in love?
158-Are you in a relationship?
159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
160-Are relationships ever worth it?
161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
162-Can you commit to one person?
163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
164-Do you ever want to get married?
165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
167-Do you get jealous easily?
168-The last time you felt jealous, and why?
169-What is your definition of cheating?
170-Have you ever been cheated on?
171-Do you forgive betrayal?
172-Have you ever cheated on someone?
173-Why did your last relationship fail?
174-Things you want to say to an ex:
175-A description of the person you dislike the most:
176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
178-How long was your longest relationship?
179-You’ll love me if…
180-Share a relationship story:Music, movies and books181-How often do you listen to music?
182-What kind of music you like?
183-Do you like to dance?
185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
187-A song that’s been stuck in your head:
188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
189-A book you want to read/have recently read:
190-Describe your dream library:
191-Last movie you just watched:
192-Do you like watching what type of movies?Situations and crazy things193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done?
194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for?
195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to?
197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
200-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
201-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
202-What is the first curse word that comes to mind?
203-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…
204-Halloween costume idea?
205-How you’d spend ten thousand bucks?
206-Press ctrl+v and post:
207-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
208-5 things within touching distance:
209-A drunken story:
210-What are you supposed to be doing right now?
211-Currently wanting to see anyone?
212-Why you follow me?
213-If you met me what would you do?
214-Leave me a ridiculous question:
215-Leave me a cute message:

Blogger....its been a while.

Have you ever liked someone so much that you just want them to be happy? You're just so tired of seeing them upset...and when they finally have something good. Something to make them smile. You dont want anything to stop it.

Hummingbirding

So I met this girl Amanda...shes an airman. Shes super cut and short and sexy and I just love her. One of the first lesbians who's ever hit on me. She can't leave the base yet, but the mid its shes able to, Imma snatch her up and nom on her! We're always flirting and we both tease. We've pretty much established that we would be great fuck buddies. I can't wait to get to know her better!

So

I met an amazing woman a few days ago. Shes hot, like really. So strong. And adorable. Shes really shy around me, but totally not when we text. I want to sleep with her...yes...the dirty kind. XD she'll be able to go off base in a little less than two weeks...im excited...we're both really deprived of sex. I think if we hook up it would new amazing...maybe My dreams will go away.  Im not going to tell Spencer until its decided if we get back together or not. I dont want to give him something to worry about.
But I really am excited for What's to come...its going to be a whole new real Lesbian experience for me. :)

What my dreams are telling me #1

There is a void in my life I am looking to fill
Emptyness-i feel life is passing me by
There is something in my life I am attempting to seize.
Desire to dispose of everything unpleasant
Distance myself from others to ensure emotional safety
Strengthen tie bond between you and your significant other.
Accept the past. Especially things that can't be changed.
Insufficient, not living up to the expectations of others.

Superbass

I know now that I can live life without you.

But I also know that my life wolf be a lot more amazing and fun and fantastic with you in it.

Ocean

This break has taught me a lot of things. First of all that there are some things that I need to work on myself.

But most of all, that I need to appreciate what all my love does for me.
I have understood now that I need to be there for him as a friend and not just a lover. There aren't certain rules to a relationship.

Breeze

The bf and I are on a sort-of-break thing...im still confused by it. It hurts me every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

But I've come to understand that I mist respect his wishes. And just wait. I will always me there for him. And I hope he will always be there for me, and in the end, we can both emerge sharing something grand. Something more than love, but knowledge,  grace and power. And strength. 

I love him so. I will shed a tear for him every night till we join again. And in each tear, I hope takes the stress away that I caused him and I.

I learn to respect, and I respect to learn. But please darling, I hope you hurry the fuck up because my heart feels a bit lonely.

-your love.

Blackbird

I'm visiting the boyfriend in a couple of days.
i'm super nervous because this will be the longest trip i've ever made by myself.
I can't wait though.
I get my kitty two!
Everything else has been fine...even though schools almost been out for a month now i still haven't checked my grades. :[ ooops
i'm honestly too scared. :[
tis all i suppose. <3

Isn't She Lovely?

Dear Boyfriend.

You really, really upset me sometimes. I don't care if you watch tv, or play video games. But I just hate it when you don't pay attentions to me.
When we talk on skype...I quit doing everything else I was doing just to talk to you...but you. You're always looking for someone to talk to. You're always on deviantart, talking to someone on skype, and texting at the same time. Am I not enough for you? Am I boring? Are you trying to avoid me? I don't know. But that's what I think. THATS why i'm so upset. I just feel like you don't care. :/ at least not enough..and i feel like i'm boring to you. It just hurts. So yeah, i go on tumblr, and maybe message someone so I don't feel as bad. But really, I don't want to talk to other people. I don't want to do other things. I just want to talk to YOU. It never seems like you feel the same. And I just hate it that you're the one to call me on skype...and then you never talk to me. :/ You chat online with other people. Then we're both just sitting in silence. It's just stupid. I'm just gonna end the call when that happens, because I hate not doing anything.

Telephone

I guess It's been a while. sorry guys. Well...What's up with me? nothing really.
I'm purposely going to fail my history final because I have given up on this semester. I already messed it up, and there's no way I can fix it now. :[ I'm not going to go to school next semester anyway. I want to take a semester off to think about what I want to do in college, and work some more to save money. I was stressed out a lot and i dreaded waking up every morning, but I'm on pills now that help a lot. I never thought I was clinically depressed. But when the doctor asked me all the questions and I responded "Yes" to almost all of them, I kinda figured something was up with me. I might have something wrong with my pancreas or gall bladder. I'm hoping the gall bladder if anything. All the pancreas problems are deadly. :[
I had my blood drawn and an ultrasound, and i'm anxiously awaiting the results. I'm so glad something id finally getting done around here...

I guess last i'll talk about how much i miss my boyfriend. I've just been really sad about it lately. It sucks. :[ I want to see him so bad. He rescued a kitty, I named her Lucca, and she's mine. :] When i get to see him next, I'm going to bring her back up with me. I can't wait. I've wanted a cat for my whole life. I'm really, really excited. I'm a little scared because of money and stuff. things that my parents have been warning me about. They don't think me having a cat is a good idea, because I already have money issues, and they say Lucca would just be another mouth to feed. :[ It kinda upsets me that they aren't supportive, but I made the argument that I have really been depressed lately. I feel like every time i get off of work, or school, I have no where to go. I have no home. Sometimes, I think of how easy it would just be to crash my car. You know that saying. "home is where the heart is"? Well i think if I had a cat, something to come home to, something to take care of besides myself, I would have meaning. I would have something more to life for. I would have some kind of home, because I would love that cat dearly, and a part of my heart will always be waiting for me after i get off work or school.

I dunno though. There's just a tiny rant about me being sad and stuff. :/ My boyfriend isn't talking to me right now, even though we're on skype together. It's really kinda pissing me off.

Wait

For the past month, i've kinda been isolating myself from my friends, wanting to just be alone. Not wanting to go out or do anything. It kinda caused a fight with my boyfriend that I blogged about earlier saying that i had "changed".

Last night. I was thinking about it forever...and it's not that I just don't want to go out or do anything...I just don't want to go out or do anything with the friends I have.
They...They kinda make me feel crappy about myself. I tried to make a new friend, and she always talks about how i'm sexy and stuff, and if I didn't have a boyfriend she'd be all over me. It just makes me feel like shit. All throughout high school I was insecure about my feelings. And my whole life, family, and friends of the family would tell me "Oh you're so pretty, you should be a model". But that's all they would say to me. They wouldn't try to tell me they liked my art, or thought I was creative. I'm just known as "The pretty cousin" Or "The pretty grandchild".
It's not like I don't mind being pretty...I just don't want it to be all people see about me. Because i'm so much more! I really am...
But...now I feel that insecurity is coming back. The people I call friends have been hurting me...I no longer want to hang out with them as much. They are fun! Don't get me wrong...there's just a sting that tugs at my heart whenever I hear comments like the previous.

I just want new friends...But I'm afraid my new friends will just see who I am on the outside, and not on the inside..

Going Away

Why is it that I blog when i'm only feeling insanely sad, or insanely angry...?
I guess these emotions among others are the strongest.

i miss him. i miss him so much...I'm having to plan my trip to see him this summer, and it's so far away...in June. I want to see him sooner than that, i really do. :/ I only really got to talk to him once today. He was upset about stuff...I dunno. I know i'm just being a girl and thinking about things too much, but I wish I could help him...I wish I could make him happy. I just hope everything is better when I talk to him tomorrow.

I guess...I'm always just afraid that i'll never make him happy enough and then he'll end up leaving me.

I don't want that...I don't ever want that.

well shit. i'm crying now.
sorry for all the grammar and punct. mistakes.
i'm just not caring enough to keep up with all that right now.
Sorry for the mini rant...i'm done..

Children

So after having...Kind of an argument/troubles with my boyfriend last night, I went to a counselor today at the college.

I guess I've changed...And he's right. I'm not as confident. I have no motivation at all. And I feel my self esteem dropping. Which is new for me. I'm at a high low. If that makes any sense. xD

But things will get better. They always do. 

To motivate myself, I've decided to make a list of the things that are stressing me out, and ways I can fix them. So here it goes. 

Study Habits/Grades-  I will study more, and find new ways of studying. Read the handouts that I got at the counselor's office. Go to the library more. Take things more seriously. Be more optimistic.

Work- Maybe try talking to managers about how I feel. Continue looking for a new job. Look at school or mall. Somewhere closer to cut back on gas.

Friends- Talk to my friends more about how I feel. Don't hold back. Be honest with them, but in a nice way. Don't be bitchy.

Money- Stop buying magazines. Pick a day to go through room to find things to sell. Try drawing and making art to sell to people. Find more work. Get a second job in the summer.

Tummy Issues- MAKE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. Tell about not burping and previous appointments.

Tooth Aches- Make a fucking appointment Ahna.

Relationship- Don't dwell on things too much.

I might add in the future. :]

Each Day Gets Better

Another sad blog. I'm sorry people. :/
Just...work with me here.

I really hate school. A lot. But my boyfriend made me realize that it's only because of a certain event.
I failed art. With an F. I never thought that was possible, but it happened. I'm so passionate about art, I always have been. But that class made me hate it. It was a design class. In design, there are restrictions. And everything has to be perfect, precise. I don't work well with that kind of stuff. My art is messy. Always different, always flowing.
Failing that class killed me.
Ever since then, my attitude toward college has been downhill.

 I'm just so happy, that I have a wonderful boyfriend to keep me moving. Or else I would be so lost.

Monster

So. Work was shit.
I hate that place. I hate that goddamned company that I work for.

You wanna know all the shit that happened? I'll tell you.
So I get into work and pretty much as soon as I walk in the door, this chick, lets call her Hydrangea. Anyway, she calls me to go up there. First of all, I haven't even clocked in yet, let alone put all my shit in my locker, and counted up a drawer. That that fucking pissed me off, and THEN when I get up there, she fucking tells me that she's leaving early. So it's part of my responsibility to get the store fronted and looking nice when it comes time to close. Fucking Duh. I know how to fucking do my job, she didn't have to tell me that shit. Plus this is the THIRD fucking night in a row, where i'm the last one, by my FUCKING self fronting the store. She had NO right. No right to tell me what to do. Then it was nonstop busy. Hydrangea was pissing me off because whenever there was a small break, I would leave the register to go find something to do, she would call me out and say. "Well don't take too long because i'm gonna go find out if I can take my break" or shit like "Where are you going?" TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! I don't stand around like an idiot, I'm a busy fucking person. When i'm at work, I like to fucking work! Anyway. That was nonstop till she left. And then when it finally came time for me to go on my 15 minute break, It got cut short because apparently they needed help, and I go out there, and there's only four fucking people in each line. They needed help, my ass.  So I go up there and I end up being stuck at the fucking register the whole fucking night. As  we close, theres a woman in my line, and the manager goes up to my friend, we'll call her Aster. Anyway, the manager goes up to her and says "I hope Ahna doesn't take so long to front because I want to get home." It took all the nerve I had to not slap a bitch. I fucking fronted the whole store BY MYSELF. If that bitch wanted to get home, she could have got her ass out on the fucking floor and helped me!! BITCH, BITCH BITCH. God, damnit. it pisses me off.

It's like i'm some kind of android that they can just program to do shit for them. I'm a GOOD FUCKING WORKER. And you know what? I don't care if this makes me sound arrogant. But i'm the best damn worker they have. The other ones like to be "Chatty" to avoid their work. They're slow when they do their work. And they complain about their jobs and people nonstop. I don't EVER fucking complain about shit. I fucking WORK. I'm fast, efficient, and make sure i'm always moving. I'm a good fucking worker. Why the hell else would they schedule me to stay around the latest? Because when i'm around, SHIT GETS FUCKING DONE.
And you know what? Just because they know that I model. They fucking signed me up for this modeling show that the goddam company is having. AND I TOLD THEM NO. They fucking signed me up anyway. ASSHOLES. I don't want to be your fucking pet!

I'm
A
Free
Fucking
Bitch.

And you know what. I promised you a happy blog, but hey, at least it's not fucking sad.

Just Love me In Perfect Symmetry

I'm really sad for some reason...Don't you hate that? When you're sad, but you don't really know why...I guess there is some kind of logical reason somewhere...

I thought I was keeping myself from the bad thoughts, but keeping myself busy. It didn't really work much.
I miss him so much...  was just putting away clothes..and had my itunes blasting. It was wonderful. No sad songs or anything. Happy, upbeat songs. But as I was placing shirts on hangers and hangers on racks, a frown appeared on my face. I wish I could do that for him...I wish I could take care of him, and do his laundry, and put his clothes away, and he could be sitting on the bed, doing homework or whatever, and smile at me, give me the occasional kiss as I walked to and from the bed where the pile of clothed lay and the closet. I wish he were there to make cute compliments about my singing voice that I really don't think is that great. I wish we could just sit there together and fold clothes, and maybe cuddle afterwards, messing up all our work and then laughing about it. I just wish...

I want to spend the rest of my life with him...Doing silly little things like this. I want it so badly. But just like with all great things, it takes time. Time that eats at you slowly.

I'm sorry my blogs so far are sad...One of these days i'll have something happy to write about.

Love You Long Time.

So, I've started many blogs...and also neglected many blogs. Hopefully this one with be pretty active.

I actually wasn't going to make this tonight...but something happened that I just have to let out.
Tonight, I was on Tumblr (This is a common thing for me...to be on Tumblr) and I came across a blog called the HairyPitsClub. I found it really interesting. There were tons of girls, and women who held their arms above their heads proudly, not ashamed of their ape-like pits. I loved it. All of them, every single one of them looked beautiful. They were so happy. And you could see the confidence in their faces. It made me smile in return.
I asked my boyfriend if he would hate it if I didn't shave my armpits (knowing that he kinda has a thing about body hair) and he said yes. He said that he would probably even eventually break up with me because he finds body hair so disgusting and unattractive.
This really, really hurt me. just the fact that something so miniscule as not shaving my armpits could possibly end our relationship...It hurts. A lot.
We were on webcam at the time, so I acted angry at first to make sure I wouldn't cry. Later on he asked me why I looked so sad, and I laughed, and told him "I didn't know because i'm not."
This just makes me hurt so much...it makes me think that our love isn't really that important to him..and that he's willing to let it end so easily...that he wouldn't even fight for me. That he would just let me go.
It also hurts because I don't care what he looks like...I don't care about his physical appearance. And he's FtM so he will be going through a BIG physical transition soon...and I don't care. I love him for him. Physical appearance has NEVER been a deciding factor in whether I "like" Or "love" someone...it just hurts that it's such a big factor for him. That his hate for body hair is stronger than his love for me.

I don't think anyone should be filled with so much hate...or maybe its just a small amount of love.

So I'm going to continue shaving...because I love him. And I never want him to leave me...I love him so much.